Changing the stories you tell yourself
I am writing this article because I openly admit that of late, I have spent far too much time listening to the opinions of others and not listening to my own voice nor honouring my own belief system.
So, I write it for my own healing and in turn I hope that it inspires you to see yourself as a powerful individual with so much more to give, no matter what your current situation.
In short, I have been listening to and telling myself stories that I actually came to believe. Stories that had no positive message and took me away from my purpose.
So, excuse me if I get a bit feisty and a bit personal, but I want everyone to feel that they can and should reach their full potential.
These stories I listened to were false, and yet they slowly formed a new way of thinking and created a belief system that was actually foreign to me. Yet I fell for it, and now it is time to either continue to believe the lies or expose them for what they are and tell myself a different story.
Each of these stories resulted in self-doubt which is so destructive that for me it resulted in physical illness and complete mental exhaustion.
Now, at the wonderful age of 70 I have finally found my way!
Turning 70 wasn’t a thing I dreaded, but certainly in my mind it was the end of my professional life as I knew it.
I thought that now I had to make a hasty retreat from society and chill out and let a new breed of people take over. What a Lie that is.
I love the new breed of people coming through. Their technical ability and their desire to see real change in the world is really admirable, and exciting, but they are just pieces in life’s current jigsaw and if all of the pieces are not there then the jigsaw is incomplete.
So, while you and I are alive, we are important parts in the jigsaw that is life.
So, say to yourself right now – I am enough! Not, I have had enough – but I am enough! There is a massive difference.
You see, I truly thought my world and my time had finished.
I gave up public speaking because I believed I was no longer relevant. I didn’t want to, because I still knew that I had so much more to give and so much more I wanted to share with people.
My experience was now wisdom, and I stopped sharing it!
I gave up positions of leadership because I believed it was time for others to take over. Another Lie!
There were other things that I also retreated from under the misunderstanding that it was all downhill from here and retirement was the only way to live. Another Lie!
Story: Early in 2024 I spoke at my final breakfast series across Australia. In front of a crowd of approximately 300 people I broke down and sobbed on stage in the middle of my presentation.
To most people it was just an emotional moment, but for me it came from a place so deep down that I almost didn’t recognise it.
It came from my spirit and my spirit at that time was in conflict with my thoughts and the stories I was telling myself.
It was saying – you are enough – keep going! But I wasn’t listening.
But let’s get something very clear – this is not a pity party; this was all my doing and not the doing of others.
They became my excuse and the vehicle for the decisions I made, but the decisions and the reactions were all mine.
There in itself is a life-changing revelation – when we take responsibility for our actions and our decisions, and own them, and recognise the influences we allow into our lives, only then can we change direction, and that is what I had to do.
Within months of making these ginormous decisions to withdraw, I became ill.
My body seemed to be reacting to the messages my brain was telling it, like, it is finished – bow out gracefully – your time is over, you are not relevant etc.
I can’t tell you how much pain I was feeling, externally yes, but internally, it was excruciating.
I am sure those close to me could see signs of it, but most people had no idea, and neither they should.
My business of over 30 years began to falter. Sure, the economy was in a bad state, but so was I, and my role as a leader is to bring HOPE to my team, not disappointment and despair.
Because along with the responsibility of leadership comes an expectation from others that you are not real and that there is a protective shield around you that shields you from any of the normal emotions and feelings that people go through, and you must be held to a higher standard than others and always be strong.
Although being held to a higher standard may be true, underneath that exterior and those expectations lies a human being that is struggling through these unrealistic expectations, but not allowed to show it, or share it.
It was after reading the wonderful book – Atomic Habits by James Clear, that I realised the story I have been telling myself is a myth and I became angry at how I had let the influence of others, and society, force me into making decisions that I was not ready to make.
I realised that I had actually given away my identity!
So, to change the story I started to reflect on what I had done and what I had achieved in life, and I realised that it was not all for nothing. I had literally helped thousands of individuals and business to be great, and to be different.
Why should that stop now? Helping others doesn’t have a ‘used by’ date.
I had started several successful businesses, I won the Australian National Small Business Leader of the year award, I won the South Australian Entrepreneur of the year award. My business, Proteus Leadership, won several awards in our field for product and service. I am an author of two books. I am a father of four and a grandfather of nine and I am in a wonderful loving relationship.
At that time, I felt enormous gratitude – How blessed am I?
And yet I was prepared to just step away from my purpose because of other people’s opinions that were based on societal expectations.
That’s not who I am!
I am enough for what is required of me!
So, I asked myself these questions and I now ask them of you:
Do you care enough about yourself and about others around you? Do you care enough about your job, your organization, your family, etc. to want to make things better, or are you happy with the status quo and the new untruths that you have taken on board?
And just as importantly, do you any longer even know why you do what you do?
I must say that these questions challenged me deeply and it was time to retreat from the busyness to find the answers to these questions and reclaim my identity.
So, I packed up and went to Bali for a week of solitude and reflection.
What I discovered was that it was again time for me step up and be the leader I was meant to be. To enter a new and even more exciting stage of my life. To again bring HOPE to people.
This is what I was born to do, to let it go was not an option.
You know, there are so many bitter people around who just don’t need to be bitter, but the fact is that they actually find their comfort and their voice within that misery.
Unfortunately, we all have the potential to be like this if we listen to the lies, we allow our mind to entertain, which results in a loss of perspective and a blurring of our purpose.
I have made the decision that I don’t want to be like that – do you?
Anne Frank said: “How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.”
My current day application of Anne Frank’s quote is:
How wonderful it is that none of us need wait a single moment before starting to improve our lives and the lives of others – right where we are!
You see, no-one else can do what I do and no-one else can do what you do, because we are individuals, and so the worst thing we can do is not to fulfill our purpose because we listened to the doubters, who simply don’t understand your calling.
So, here is my declaration today – I am not finished, in fact everything I have done up to this moment is simply the foundation for what I am about to do.
I am enough for what is required of me, and so are you, but the decision to fulfill that purpose or not, is completely up to us.
Let me ask you – do you believe you are enough?
If so, say it out loud – I am enough, and today I reclaim my identity!
But if you can’t say that out loud right now, here are six tips that I think may help you to be able to say it and believe it!
Tip 1 – Change who you listen to
Choose your critics – choose people who will be honest with you but still have your back. Their comments come from a place of support. Don’t listen to negativity because it comes from a place of selfishness.
Tip 2 – Remove people from your life
I have no problem saying this. There are people in your life that do not have your best interests at heart, and they become energy vampires, robbing you of the energy and passion you need to do what you should do. Remove them – set them free!
Tip 3 – Change the way you speak
What are you saying about yourself to yourself and to others. Stop dumping on yourself. You are who you are for a reason. Discover what that reason is and pursue it with everything you have.
Also, change what you say about others? Are you constantly critical and looking for fault rather than good. If so, therein lies the cause of your own insecurities. Start to look for good in yourself and others and it will change your whole outlook of the world around you.
Start to seek out the good in people even if you don’t like them. But that doesn’t mean we accept bad behaviour.
Tip 4 – Increase your ‘Care Factor’.
Do things out of care rather than duty, because unless your care factor is in sync with what you do and who you are, then problems and disappointment will follow you forever.
Do and say everything from a place of real CARE and not duty.
Tip 5 – Do what you were meant to do with every part of your being.
Set a new path and know what a privilege it is to be you and to be able to make a difference right where you are.
Tip 6 – Become a warrior of HOPE
Develop a heart of butter and a back of steel.
Never forget to care and welcome people in but also never be overpowered by negativity again.
The stories we listen to and take on board are the foundations for who we become, and they determine our identity.
So, I hope this article has helped and that you stop listening to the stories and the lies that other people and society puts on you and also the lies you tell yourself.
Remember – you are enough and not only that, but you also have a responsibility to do what you were put here to do, because only you can fulfill it to its full potential.
That is both a daunting thought and an absolute privilege at the same time.
So, I declare to you today – I am not finished. I am more motivated now than I have ever been, and I have so much more to do in helping to create great leaders across the globe.
What about you? Are you ready to ramp things up again and be who you were meant to be, or will you continue to listen to the lies that hold you back.
You are better than that and you are enough for what you are meant to do!
The great comedienne and actor Lily Tomlin said: “I always wondered why somebody didn’t do something about that and then I realized – I was somebody”.
Des Penny is the Founder and CEO of Proteus Leadership
Proteus Leadership is one of Australia’s premier leadership training and development companies. Proteus Leadership provides leadership courses and management training to a range of industries and assists organisations to build positive workplace cultures, implement change and Create Great Leaders. Proteus also facilitates a range of world-class management courses, workshops, conferences and events across Australia and beyond with the sole purpose of bringing leaders together to connect and grow.
“Our core purpose is to Create Great Leaders that will in turn build Great companies and develop Great teams.”