When ‘I Feel Unsafe’ Becomes Checkmate

How Feeling Unsafe Can Become a Diversion from Accountability.

Many decades ago, I was asked to step up into a team leader role. And, almost immediately (you guessed it), I had to deal with a performance issue.

Being completely new to leadership, I was unsophisticated, naive and frankly, had no idea what I was doing.

My approach went something like this: “You suck. Everyone knows you suck. Can you please stop being so annoying?”

I may be paraphrasing. Slightly?!

Needless to say, this was a complete disaster. But it did teach me something very quickly: difficult conversations require more than frustration and misplaced confidence.

What I learnt though was to prepare properly. Be clear about the issue. Have examples. Rehearse the opening. Explain the impact. Listen. Then finish with a clear, agreed call to action.

So, then the next time I had to address a more serious issue, and (this one was behavioural), I was ready. Or, so I thought.

The conversation was going quite well until, out of nowhere, came the words: “I’m feeling harassed in this conversation.” Then almost immediately: “In fact, you’re bullying me.”

Checkmate.

I didn’t know what to say, or even what to do. In a matter of seconds, the whole conversation had flipped on its head. I had gone from addressing their unprofessional behaviour, to suddenly feeling like I was the one on trial.

Later a mentor gave me some advice that I’ve never forgotten. He said, “This is completely predictable and it’s a red herring. Don’t be railroaded. Don’t be fooled twice. Be prepared for it. Have a better response ready when it happens.”

Of course, genuine bullying and harassment must always be taken seriously. But in some performance conversations, these claims also become a highly effective diversion.

The spotlight moves. The issue changes. Suddenly, the leader is defending themselves, rather than dealing with the behaviour or performance that brought everyone into the room in the first place.

Fast forward a few decades and I’m not convinced that much has changed. But the language has certainly evolved and arguably carries even greater impact.

What many leaders are telling me now, and what we’re increasingly hearing from our clients, is that the new version sounds something like this:

“I don’t feel safe having this conversation. In fact, you’re making me feel psychologically unsafe.”

For an inexperienced leader, those words might feel like the ultimate checkmate.

But they don’t have to be!

A perfectly reasonable response might be: “That’s a significant concern, and we take psychological safety seriously. I’m more than happy for you to raise that through the appropriate grievance process. In the meantime, though, we still need to deal with the issue that brought us here, so let’s continue that conversation.”

Then… get back to the issue.

Because feeling uncomfortable is not the same as being unsafe. Feedback can be uncomfortable. Accountability can be uncomfortable. Being told that your behaviour or performance needs to change, can be uncomfortable too.

That does not automatically make the conversation harmful.

So, prepare well. Stay respectful and know your process. But don’t surrender a legitimate performance conversation, simply because someone pulls out the “psychologically unsafe” card.

Take their claim seriously. Deal with it appropriately through the right process.

Then, take back control and finish the performance conversation that you came there to have.

The language has changed. The diversion tactics haven’t.

What can feel like ‘checkmate’ doesn’t have to be. Game on!

Wishing you a week of moving conversations towards better outcomes.

Richard Dore
CEO - Director of Partnerships
Proteus Leadership